


Check Me Out (and Other Things Not to Say to Your Local Librarian)

by speccygeekgrrl



Series: MST3K Alternate Universes [6]
Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: "write what you know" right?, Alternate Universe - Library, Gen, I don't think Kinga is temperamentally suited to be a librarian but here she is anyways, Jonah saves the day, Max would make a great library clerk though, lowkey flirting, no one asked for this I just wanted to do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 17:38:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12017748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl
Summary: Jonah needs some help tracking down a rare book. Luckily, he's on friendly terms with the library staff.





	Check Me Out (and Other Things Not to Say to Your Local Librarian)

**Author's Note:**

> ...yes, okay, this is COMPLETELY SELF INDULGENT as I am a library employee. No one asked for this, I just wanted to write it, but considering I got almost 1700 words out in a little over an hour I think I can forgive myself for doing it.

Jonah considered himself a pretty tech-savvy person. He was good at finding information... as long as it was online. Which, honestly, covered most of what he needed, except for this damn literature gen ed class that was effectively the bane of his existence. There was one book he needed, and the cheapest copy he could find online was over a hundred bucks. Definitely not worth it.

Off to the library, then. He didn't have too much time for pleasure reading while classes were going, but he still liked to have a book or two checked out because reading before bed was a better way to wind down than staring at a screen. He had a compilation of sci-fi short stories to return, and maybe if he was lucky someone could help him track down that stupid book.

Weirdly, when he walked in there was no one behind the desk. Usually there was a clerk there at all times, but-- no, he couldn't see anyone in the stacks, either. "Hello?" he called. The squeaking of a book cart preceded the appearance of a very short man in a cardigan from between the tall shelves of the fiction section.

"Welcome to the library," the man said, and then he perked up. "Jonah! Hi. How were the short stories?"

"They were awesome, thanks for the recommendation." Max took a little too much enjoyment out of doing reader's advisory when a patron was interested in anything he knew about, but his suggestions to Jonah had never been less than enjoyable. "I was hoping you could help me find something..."

"Oh yeah, of course." The book cart continued squeaking on its journey back to the circulation desk. Jonah winced at the shrill sound, but Max barely seemed to notice. "Are we talking general recs or are you on the hunt for a specific book?"

"Something specific this time," Jonah said, and Max nodded and cracked his knuckles as he came behind the desk. 

"Title and author?" Jonah fished the scrap of paper he'd written them down on and handed it over, and Max frowned slightly as he typed it in. "It's not in our system."

"Well... that sucks," Jonah said.

"Wait a second, just because _we_ don't have it doesn't mean we can't get it for you. But you're going to have to talk to..." Max looked around and lowered his voice. "The Iron Queen of the Interlibrary Loans." 

"Isn't that just the branch librarian?" Jonah asked, grinning, and Max arched his brows.

"You'd think so, but when she puts on the ILL hat she gets scary."

"Is it worth it?"

"Hey, you're the one making the request, not me," Max said, handing back the piece of paper. "She's at the reference desk. Godspeed."

"Well, here..." Jonah handed over the book he had to return. "I need something to take out after this one."

"Still on the short story kick, or are you ready to return to the tender embrace of novel-length fiction?"

"The short stories are treating me pretty kindly so far. Maybe fantasy this time?"

"Come back after you talk to Kinga and I'll have something for you," Max said cheerfully. "If you survive."

"Jeez, are interlibrary loans that much of a pain in the ass?"

"It's more a matter of what happens if the book doesn't come back. You're good about it, though. Maybe you'll make it through the request unscathed." That didn't make Jonah feel a whole lot better about it. He gulped as he walked through the library and around the corner into the reference section. There were several patrons on the computers, and one put-upon looking librarian sitting behind the desk talking to someone who looked... pretty sketchy, frankly. 

"I need your library card number," Kinga said to the man as Jonah came closer. The guy leered at her.

"How about my phone number?" Her nose wrinkled in disgust.

"Library card number, or I can't help you."

"What if I don't have one?"

"If you go to the circulation desk, Max can register you for one. And then he can help you with your request." Kinga looked at Jonah and her gaze was slightly desperate. "How can I help you, sir?"

"Hey, wait, I'm not done with you," the sketchy guy said, leaning across the desk to grab Kinga's wrist. She froze, furious color flooding her cheeks, and tried to shake him off fruitlessly.

"I'm done with you," she snapped, "and you're about to be done with this library if you don't let go of me." He didn't let go. Jonah found himself moving before he thought, grabbing the man's wrist right where he'd grabbed Kinga's and applying pressure. It didn't hurt that Jonah had very large hands and a firm grip. The guy squeaked and let go of her. Jonah gave his wrist a harder squeeze and then dropped it.

"I believe the librarian told you where to go to get help," he said, and the sketchy guy looked up-- and up-- at him before visibly deciding to listen.

"Yeah fine, whatever, bitch," he spat, and headed back for the front of the library. She pinched the bridge of her nose and reached for the phone.

"Max? See the guy walking up-- yeah him. Get rid of him. Call the cops if you have to. Yeah... yeah, another one of those. Thanks." She hung up, sighed, and looked up at Jonah. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that."

"I kind of did," Jonah said. 

"If you hadn't I would have stabbed him with one of my hair sticks," she said, and Jonah bit back a smile.

"It'd be a shame for a librarian to get arrested for assault."

"Self-defense," she said primly, and straightened the cuffs of her blazer. "How can I help you?"

"I need an interlibrary loan," he said, handing her the piece of paper, and her eyes narrowed slightly.

"Library card," she said, and he dug it out of his wallet and handed it to her. She scanned it in and perused her computer screen. "Glory hallelujah, someone without fines is asking for an ILL. Have you _ever_ had fines on this card?"

"I brought back a DVD two days late once," he admitted, and her lips curved up.

"Not quite a model patron, but close enough for government work," she said. "Let me see what I can do for you, Mr. Heston." She started tapping away at the keyboard, and he studied her while she was occupied. He hadn't had a lot of contact with the librarian, but she was always there when he came in, skirt suits and hair always in a bun held with sticks (that were apparently sharp enough to stab with, which he hadn't known), looking a little disapproving most of the time regardless of the type of patron she was in the middle of assisting. He tried valiantly to not let the phrase "sexy librarian" cross his mind and failed comprehensively. After a few minutes she looked back up at him. Her eyes were startlingly green.

"Any luck?"

"An academic library about an hour from here has it," she said. "They'll mail it here, we'll call you when it arrives, and if you don't return it on time you'll incur my wrath."

"God forbid," he said, and she smirked. "So... you'll call me? Does that mean you need my number?"

"It's in your patron record," she said, but her lips quirked slightly higher. "Don't worry, Mr. Heston, I'll track you down when you're needed."

"Sometimes I just show up in the right place at the right time," he said. 

"Harnessing serendipity is a power move," she said. "Don't waste it."

"I didn't," he said, and smiled. "Thank you for your help."

"Likewise." Was that... an actual warm smile? Aimed at him? Wow. He tried not to beam as he walked back to the front of the building, but given the way Max looked at him he thought he might have failed.

"You survived," Max said. "Congratulations."

"I think she doesn't hate me," Jonah said, and Max's brows arched.

"What did you do?"

"I scared off that creep."

"Oh... really? Good job. I didn't even have to say anything to him, he booked it right out." Max smiled at him. "You're honorary library security. Now I'm going to call you if we need someone bounced."

"Well, wait a second, I didn't agree to that," Jonah said.

"What, you don't want to come to the rescue again? You look pretty proud of yourself having done it once."

"I mean...."

"You have no idea how often she gets harassed," Max said, and Jonah winced.

"Really?"

"You'd be surprised what a popular fantasy 'sexy librarian' is."

"...no, I wouldn't," Jonah muttered, and Max snorted a laugh and held up a book for him.

"Fantasy short story compilation? I'm really fond of this one, there's an excellent retelling of the Snow White tale casting her as a vampire." Jonah took the book and read the cover, then handed it back and dug out his library card. "I don't need your card," Max said dryly. "I looked you up by name and already checked it out to you. Want anything else before you go?"

"I think I got everything I came here for and then some," Jonah said, taking the book back and tucking it into his bag. "...is she really going to call me when it comes in?"

"Don't get your hopes up, Romeo. I'll probably be the one to call." Max glanced toward the back of the building and smiled. "Then again, she might want to do this one personally..."

"I'll just make extra sure to pick up when I see the library calling," Jonah said. "Thanks, Max."

"No problem," Max said. "Thanks for the bouncer help. That guy would have been a pain in the ass for me to get out of here."

"It's the least I could do," Jonah said, and Max shook his head.

"You have a weird definition of least," he said. "Have a good day!" Jonah walked out into the sunshine feeling much more cheery than he had when he walked into the library.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Check Me Out (and Other Things Not to Say to Your Local Librarian)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12065337) by [speccygeekgrrl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl)




End file.
